Who's It For?

I am done with kids' birthday parties. I have never been one for over-the-top birthday parties, but I've always tried to do "something special" for the kids. I tried to do cutesy crafts and decorations, and spent way too much money on an intricately decorated bakery cake that appropriately complimented our party theme. I spent too many hours thinking up age-appropriate games and cut peanut butter sandwiches into butterflies and all kinds of crap. And all the while, I kept telling myself that I was doing it for my kids.

Bullshit.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

(and one more for emphasis)

Bullshit.

I was doing it for me.

What exactly this was fulfilling in me, I don't know. Was I trying to show off how creative I am? Was I seeking the approval (or, let's be honest: the jealousy) of other parents? Was I seeking to perpetuate the lie that I have it all together, that I am so organized and on top of everything that I have hours to spend planning a superfluous, ridiculous birthday party which makes no difference in the grand scheme of things? Or worse, was I trying to manipulate my child into thinking they had the coolest mother ever? I still haven't decided. Probably all of those things. The salt in the wound is that I operated totally for myself under the lie of doing it out of love for my children. This is a lie I sold to myself so that I could feel like a wonderful, selfless mother.

But I'm not. I'm the most selfish person I know. I can take a day that should be entirely about celebrating the life of one of God's most precious gifts, my child, and make it entirely about me.

Do I think that spectacularly planned children's birthday parties can only be thrown by desperate, selfish parents? No. But I had to evaluate my own motives. Was I having a party as a way to fellowship and share the day with loved ones? Or was I hoping to show off what a perfect life I've made for myself? What I found lurking in the darkest corners of my heart was truly disturbing to me. And it all seemed perfectly normal and reasonable on the outside.

That is what makes it a great lie.

It sounded perfectly reasonable, sweet even, to throw a big party so that we could have "special memories". But what about the other memories that I made in the process? What about the cranky-short-tempered-drill-sergeant-mess-up-the-house-and-you'll-get-it-I-can't-believe-you-spilled-that-on-your-party-dress-No!-don't-eat-that-it's-for-the-party! memories that I made for days, or even weeks, before hand? And what the hell was it all for?

What I found was that I was inspiring a lust for presents and attention in my children. It has built up to the point where every time we enter a store, my children find something that they want "for their birthday." There is not a day that goes by where they don't mention what they want for their next party. They are always craving bigger, better, more. They developed the attitude that they deserved presents and parties, not an attitude of graciousness and gratitude for what they received. And how could I expect any different when I have modeled selfishness and discontent for them?

I think what disturbs me so much is that in all that we do, even when we believe that we are operating out of good, we are actually being selfish and arrogant. It has been pressed upon my heart this year to celebrate birthdays in a way unseen by the world. To build memories of quiet moments instead of one big party. To spend my time actually being present with my children mentally, physically, and spiritually instead of spending my time planning one big hurrah while they entertain themselves. To model peace and contentment instead of a desire for more.