Anger Management

I hope that everyone had a very wonderful Thanksgiving! We had a very quiet---busy---Thanksgiving. For starts, my children went with their dad on Friday. This has bruised my ego, as this was my year for Thanksgiving, and our divorce agreement says the Thanksgiving custody is Wednesday through Sunday. The agreement he signed. But instead, he just told me he had bought a ticket and would pick the kids up on Friday. I cannot express to you how hard I have worked to keep my pissiness factor under control over this. I believe that throwing a tantrum makes you look like a jerk. And I understand where he was coming from, and I don't want to keep the kids from him. They look forward to Daddy's visits, and I want them to have whatever time with him they can. What irritates me is that if he couldn't get a ticket for the week before (when he originally said he was coming), then I have to give up my holiday time so he could have them. I have to be the one to sacrifice to cover his mistake. Again. Because heaven forbid he should have to suffer any consequences.

See? Pissiness factor is in full swing. Big time.

I think I'm just mad on principle. Sometimes I feel perfectly, well, not satisfied, but okay with how Thanksgiving went down, and even relieved to have a small break, and sometimes anger just washes all over me and I'm red from my painted toe-nails to the roots of my hair. I have to breath deeply and say "don't react! don't react! don't react!" to myself. Because going off on someone and ranting just proves what an asshole you really are. I have so much to be thankful for that it seems silly to get hung up about something that is really insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  In fact, it is silly. And I am not justified in getting angry just because he is out of line. That's the terrible thing about being human: I cannot whitewash my old sin nature. It's always ugly. It's always there. It's always a battle. And sometimes, I lose.

I have changed a lot this year. I would like to think that I'm more relaxed, less self-absorbed, and more gracious than I was at the beginning of the year, but unfortunately that isn't true. However, it happens one decision at a time and every moment is a chance to try again. I know this is a random, rambling post. I have found that if I write things down and send them into the void, I can finally quit thinking about them and really move on. Maybe this is a sign of my immaturity. Perhaps real maturity is being able to deal with things internally, and then let go without spewing like a volcano or being eaten up inside. Unfortunately, I'm not there yet.

Pumpkin's Blanket

I have learned to knit in the last couple of months, and I am addicted. It is so relaxing. And portable. I love how I can take it anywhere and start and stop easily-it isn't like sewing where it takes a lot of set-up. Just cast-on and you're on your way! And there aren't a gazillion tiny pins, thimbles, etc.. for my kids to prick fingers or choke on. This really fits my lifestyle right now. And while it does take concentration, I find it much less complicated that crochet. I can never keep up with how many extras you're supposed to chain for each stitch.

I decided to learn to knit right after Pumpkin was born. You see, my ex-husband and I separated before I knew I was pregnant with Pumpkin, and we officially divorced soon after he was born, so his arrival was not exactly under the best circumstances. However, Pumpkin is a shining joy in both my life, and his dad's life (he finally got that boy!) and we're both so glad that he came along. In fact, it probably sped up a lot of healing between us, because we had to keep dealing with each other and trying to get along in the months leading up to Pumpkin's birth. However, since his dad and I weren't together anymore, Pumpkin got short-changed in a few areas. Each of my girls, as well as my nephews and niece, all have a special hand-made blanket from my aunt, but she didn't make one for Pumpkin. And while I'm sure that she just didn't think about it (he is my third, after all, and she is certainly under no obligation to make a blanket for my child!), the reality is that my little Pumpkin is the only one without a special blanket, and as his mother, of course, I want to change that. I didn't want to bring it up, because I was afraid that someone would think that I was actually upset, and nothing could be further from the truth. All I want is for Pumpkin to have a blanket! I don't care who made it. So this left only one logical option: learn to knit and make it myself. I even bought Debbie Stoller's book, Stitch n' Bitch as as a testament to my sincerity to learn, but of course, I had just had  a baby, so that resolution quickly went on the back burner. That is, until I stumbled across the website for Spud and Chloe yarn, and the Spud Says! blog. I was completely inspired, and have fallen in love with Susan B. Anderson's warm and whimsical patterns and yarns. I bought two of her books, Itty Bitty Nursery and Itty Bitty Toys, joined Ravelry, and was off! I had to wait until after we moved and Pumpkin began sleeping through the night to really get going, but now I'm making great progress every day.

Pumpkin's blanket is based on the pattern, Patches from Itty-Bitty Nursery, with a few of my own modifications (can I ever do something without making changes? I doubt it).  There will hopefully be 32 patches (maybe 28 if I run out of time- I want to finish it before his birthday this month), and a cable-knit border. Each patch is done in simple garter stitch, and the designs are free-handed using a chain-and wrapping technique found in Itty-Bitty Nursery. There will be many more designs, all based on the theme of exploration, as well as more striped patches, and just a few solid ones. I've actually made several more patches, but I decided to omit most of the ones with the letters of his name from the picture for this blog. Still, it's coming together!