These Days...

These days, my evenings are filled with laundry, hot tea, audiobooks, a stolen moment for knitting or sewing, and oh, such comforting and hysterical conversations with husband. I think maybe my favorite times with him are when we are up late together, evenings stretching long into the night, working and talking about this or that or nothing at all. That reminds me of a quote I read in a book once. I cannot quote it exactly, and I can't seem to find it again anywhere, but it goes something like this:

To love, to be understood, that is the thing.

Oh, yes. That is certainly the thing.

These days, my mornings are filled with precious moments with Pumpkin. He and I are the early risers, and I am relishing every moment with him, just the two of us. It has become our habit to rock together and read every issue of Your Big Backyard and Ranger Rick laid out on the coffee table (of which there are many) at least three times each before we move outside to water the flowers together. First, we water the flowerbeds in the front, and then the potted plants in the back. He always drenches himself completely when he tries to drink from the water hose.

These days, my crockpot is working overtime as I make tons of homemade stock from scraps.  As I pour up the rich broth into quart containers for the freezer, I say a prayer of thanks at the opportunity to feed my children so well. My hope is that this foundation of good nutrition (as difficult and inconvenient as it is sometimes) will bless them with a whole lifetime of good health.

These days, our weeks are filled with get-togethers with groups large and small, with friends old and new. Almost every week we have a play date or group get-together or church potluck to attend. I see my children beginning to forge friendships that I hope they will learn to nurture and care for. They are growing up so fast.

These days life is good, and I am happy.

A Well-Loved Rocking Chair

In the process of cleaning out Someone Special's basement, I found an old, very dusty rocking chair. It was love at first sight.

"What's the story on that rocking chair?"

"It was my grandmother's."

Squeeeee!

"Yeah, my parents were going to get rid of it, and I said that I wanted it, but I have nowhere to put it. Why, do you want to rid of it?"

"No, I love it. I want to find a place for it in our house."

Flash forward about a week, and I finally got around to hauling it upstairs and giving it a little love. All it needed was a good rub down to give it new life. I want to sew a cushion for it, but it's comfortable even without one. It's very wide and low--perfect for little children to crawl up into with a book, and luckily I have three of those! (Three children. We have way more than three books.)

We have since found out from Someone Special's mom that this was not actually his grandmother's rocking chair, it was his great-grandmother's rocking chair. How cool is that?

The 100-year-old rocker looks very comfortable in Someone Special's 100-year-old home. It looks wonderful in the kids' bedroom. I love all of the simple details, but my absolute favorite part is the worn finish on the arm rests--A sign that it was been well-worn and well-loved.

I wonder how many babies have been rocked to sleep in this sweet chair? God willing, it will rock a few more.

Quality Time

How does the after dinner routine go at your house? At my house, it usually went something like this:

The kids take their plates to the sink for me, then run off to make mayhem. I try desperately to get the food put away and clear the table. Children run wild, play chase in the house, crash into each other, scream and generally make life very noisy. If there is no immediate crisis, I might get the the dishes in the dish washer before it's time to start their bath water, but more often than not I have to abandon the kitchen as soon as the leftovers are in the fridge to coral my three hyenas up to get ready for bed. Once the kids are asleep, I trudge back downstairs and somehow manage to overcome the exhaustion to finish up. It is controlled chaos, but just barely controlled. Mostly it's just chaos.

And it wasn't any fun

Enter Someone Special who, after we finish up dinner, says, "Darling, can you take these things to your mother? Doodlebug, you can dry the place mats. Wait, you can't leave the kitchen until your mother says you are done!"

I jumped right on this bandwagon.

"Pumpkin, can you take these dirty dish towels to the laundry room for Mommy?"

We found all kinds of jobs that a kindergartener, a preschooler, and a toddler could confidently handle. They rinsed, dried, and put away placemats. They cleared the table, helped me sweep the floor, and put clean cutlery away. The kids were engaged. There were no crises. Darling literally danced as she helped, saying, "What else can I help you with, Mama?" We talked, and I explained how we are a family, and so we all have to pitch in together to get things done. There's no, "It's not my responsibility because it's your turn to do that". We can all take pride in how we care for our home. When we went upstairs to start our nighttime routine, the kitchen was spotless. I dare say it was even enjoyable!

I am still in awe of how one person can take one of the most difficult and dreaded hours of the day, and turn it into quality time together. Will every night together go as smoothly as this one? Of course not. That wouldn't be real life. But what I'm learning is that quality time together can happen any time, even during the drudgery of cleaning the kitchen or folding laundry. It does not have to planned, or organized, or "special". It's not an event. It's anytime Dad makes a silly joke and Mom laughs appreciably, or kids say something precious and Mommy's heart melts a little bit. Quality time evolves  naturally during every day, and the most unexpected moments can bring you together.

Who's It For?

I am done with kids' birthday parties. I have never been one for over-the-top birthday parties, but I've always tried to do "something special" for the kids. I tried to do cutesy crafts and decorations, and spent way too much money on an intricately decorated bakery cake that appropriately complimented our party theme. I spent too many hours thinking up age-appropriate games and cut peanut butter sandwiches into butterflies and all kinds of crap. And all the while, I kept telling myself that I was doing it for my kids.

Bullshit.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

(and one more for emphasis)

Bullshit.

I was doing it for me.

What exactly this was fulfilling in me, I don't know. Was I trying to show off how creative I am? Was I seeking the approval (or, let's be honest: the jealousy) of other parents? Was I seeking to perpetuate the lie that I have it all together, that I am so organized and on top of everything that I have hours to spend planning a superfluous, ridiculous birthday party which makes no difference in the grand scheme of things? Or worse, was I trying to manipulate my child into thinking they had the coolest mother ever? I still haven't decided. Probably all of those things. The salt in the wound is that I operated totally for myself under the lie of doing it out of love for my children. This is a lie I sold to myself so that I could feel like a wonderful, selfless mother.

But I'm not. I'm the most selfish person I know. I can take a day that should be entirely about celebrating the life of one of God's most precious gifts, my child, and make it entirely about me.

Do I think that spectacularly planned children's birthday parties can only be thrown by desperate, selfish parents? No. But I had to evaluate my own motives. Was I having a party as a way to fellowship and share the day with loved ones? Or was I hoping to show off what a perfect life I've made for myself? What I found lurking in the darkest corners of my heart was truly disturbing to me. And it all seemed perfectly normal and reasonable on the outside.

That is what makes it a great lie.

It sounded perfectly reasonable, sweet even, to throw a big party so that we could have "special memories". But what about the other memories that I made in the process? What about the cranky-short-tempered-drill-sergeant-mess-up-the-house-and-you'll-get-it-I-can't-believe-you-spilled-that-on-your-party-dress-No!-don't-eat-that-it's-for-the-party! memories that I made for days, or even weeks, before hand? And what the hell was it all for?

What I found was that I was inspiring a lust for presents and attention in my children. It has built up to the point where every time we enter a store, my children find something that they want "for their birthday." There is not a day that goes by where they don't mention what they want for their next party. They are always craving bigger, better, more. They developed the attitude that they deserved presents and parties, not an attitude of graciousness and gratitude for what they received. And how could I expect any different when I have modeled selfishness and discontent for them?

I think what disturbs me so much is that in all that we do, even when we believe that we are operating out of good, we are actually being selfish and arrogant. It has been pressed upon my heart this year to celebrate birthdays in a way unseen by the world. To build memories of quiet moments instead of one big party. To spend my time actually being present with my children mentally, physically, and spiritually instead of spending my time planning one big hurrah while they entertain themselves. To model peace and contentment instead of a desire for more.

Pine Cone Bird Feeder Craft

Do you remember making bird feeders with pine cone and peanut butter when you were a child? I remember making them in kindergarten. I thought of this as an easy craft when we were desperate for something to do one afternoon while Pumpkin napped. The girls were wild and I had to get them out of the house so they wouldn't wake up their brother. It soon became one of the best afternoons we've spent together in a while. Being outdoors and exploring has a way of doing that to you: taking ordinary moments and making them extraordinary. The bird feeders were a big hit with Darling and Doodlebug, and ended up being free for us to make because I already had all the items on hand. Pine trees are so prolific here that they might as well be our state weed. Seriously, they are everywhere.

We started by exploring the vacant lot next door for pine cones. This ended up being 45 minutes of running, jumping, and general merry making. It was wonderful!

 

 

 

They gathered up tons of pine cones, and we made kind of a counting game out of it. See? You can squeeze some school in just about anywhere. We made quite a pile:

Then we had to separate the worthy pine cones from the unworthy:

Now for the messy part: the peanut butter! I found an unopened jar of Jiff peanut butter in the pantry that my mom bought an untold number of months (or possibly, years) ago. It has never been opened because I am a peanut butter snob and am particularly picky about peanut butters (and I'm comfortable okay with that label), so what better way to use it up than for crafting? I opened the jar, gave each girl a spoon, and let them go to town. It was a job which they took very seriously:

Next, we rolled the coated cones in bird seed.

It was pretty messy, but that's part of the fun!

Did I mention that it was messy?

And last of all, I used some crafting twine and my trusty hot glue gun to make hangers and, voila!

We hung them in a tree for the birds:

Happy Thursday!

Morning Snuggles

I had a little visitor come crawl into my bed this morning:

We cuddled up in my cozy flannel sheets- which make it extra hard to get out of bed in the morning- and shared lots of snuggles and kisses, read stories and sang songs. What a great way to start a new day and a new week.

Happy Monday!

Of Melons and Memories

Last night we picked our very first watermelon from our garden! We have been waiting and waiting for it to ripen. Every day, all the kids and I march down to the garden (which is, by necessity, at the very farthest corner from the door as it could be) and check on our watermelon. It is a variety of ice-box watermelon called Sugar Baby, which is a very popular small heirloom variety. It's called "ice-box" because it will actually fit in the refrigerator. We have only one vine, which I am actually growing up a trellis as an experiment because it requires so much less space. I first read about that in Square Foot Gardening by Mel Bartholemew and it's going well so far. One melon did crash to the ground prematurely, but I suspect that had more to do with bugs that anything else, because two melons are waxing fat and happy, dangling from the top of the trellis.  I'm growing cantaloupes this way, too, and they will fall off the vine when they are ripe, but I actually like that, since my trellises are not too high. I always know when one is ripe without them busting when they hit the ground. Speaking of busting, Darling begged to carry the watermelon back to the house, then immediately dropped it as soon as it was in her hands. I love that girl so much. I couldn't help but laugh. It busted a little bit (you can see it in the picture), but it didn't affect the flavor one bit. :)

It was sooooo juicy. The juice just ran out everywhere when I cut into it. It dripped down little chins and turned little hands sticky and was such a mess to clean up. But a lovely mess, because it was a homegrown mess in every sense. We had such a good time eating it. I taught the kids how to spit out the seeds as they ate. Darling caught on immediately and became an expert seed spitter. Doodlebug had a bit more trouble and the seeds just sort of fell out her mouth (I picked all the seeds out of Pumpkin's melons before giving them to him). I never could get a good picture of them spitting the seeds, but I wish I had been able to. Oh well. I have some blurry ones for my own memories.

When I was a child, my grandparents lived out on some acreage, and they grew watermelons every summer. My aunt, uncle, and cousins would come down and Papaw would put all the melons on ice in preparations. In the afternoons we would gather on the deck and cut open the most enormous, juicy watermelons you've ever seen and pass the salt shakers around. I don't think any watermelons have ever tasted so good as those from my childhood. When we were all done there was a contest to see who could hurl the rind the furthest. I don't think I ever won, not once. I guess hurling watermelon rinds was just not my thing.

As you can see, we completely devoured our watermelon. The kids ate it like it was their last meal on earth. Pumpkin had an enormous pile of rinds in front of him, and he actually gnawed one rind until there was hardly anything left, then carried another rind around with him all over the yard. I guess he was saving it for later. We all felt extremely proud that we grew it ourselves. It makes me happy to think of what a lesson in patience and perseverance (not to mention botany!) this was for them. I hope they will cherish these memories as much as I do. I can't imagine a better way to spend an evening.

In the Still of the Morning

It's been such a long time since I posted on my blog, but I'm trying to squeeze in a few moments for an update before the kids wake up. My life seems to get busier and busier, yet if you ask me what I'm up to, I'll just shrug and say, "Oh, you know! Same ol', same ol'." Why is that? I think it's because Pumpkin is walking (well, running) around like a champ, talking up a storm, and of course he needs to be supervised every single moment or else he's into something.  My life totally revolves around keeping him from hurting himself and keeping him and his sisters stimulated. While that can be summed up in a mere sentence (okay, a compound sentence), it requires every waking moment to actually accomplish. I'm trying to get up earlier in the day to get some time to myself, but it seems like I'm just getting up early to work before I start to work. Do you ever feel that way? I was hoping to get in some good knitting time this morning, but so far, it's a no-go.

Speaking of knitting, there is a store-wide sale going on over at Loop. Ten percent off! I went ahead and ordered some Spud and Chloe Outer yarn in preparation for the new free Outer Baby Blanket pattern that Susan Anderson will post soon. I know it will not be all the yarn I need, but it will be enough to get me started. I find Outer to be a stretch for my small budget, so I have to buy it in increments anyway.

Our garden is producing! We're enjoying plenty of tomatoes, squash, zucchini, cucumbers, and we've had one eggplant so far. There are watermelons and cantaloupes ripening on the vine. Those a I grew vertically on a trellis and am having good results so far! I already have plans for improvements next year. I've found that with gardening (well, with anything) that you really do learn by doing. I've learned more this year with a small Square-foot Garden than I did reading a dozen books on gardening. I think the problem is that you don't know what you need to know until you actually encounter a problem. And once you find the solution, you don't forget it. Or at least you don't forget what didn't work. Sometimes you can't find the solution before it's too late. But there's always next year! For me, I simply did not realize the sheer size the plants grow to. I know that sounds silly, but it's hard to visualize something that you've never seen before. Another thing I learned this year was the absolute importance of keeping cucumbers evenly watered. You don't realize how important it is until you taste a bitter 'cuke! Pest control, surprisingly, has not been a problem. I planted marigolds throughout and they are doing a good job of keeping all kinds of pest away.

I plan to start homeschooling Darling in just a few weeks. I'm just pulling together my last supplies. My girls are very crafty and I have  a few fun craft projects planned to get us going. I've chosen our curriculum. If you're interested, here it is:

Math- Singapore Math, Earlybird Math Standards Edition
Phonics- Phonics Pathways
Handwriting- Handwriting Without Tears
Science- Living Learning Books, Life Science
Language/Literature- Five in a Row

I plan on doing quite a bit of art through lapbooks and crafts that go along with Five in a Row. There are tons of ideas at Homeschool Share and there are new Fold n Learn downloads from FIAR. And I absolutely love the books by MaryAnn Kohl. Our library has quite a few of her books.

I suppose that's all for now. Can you believe it's already Thursday? The days fly by so quickly that I can barely keep track!

Library List: 1/16-1/22

Since we've settled into our new house, we've also settled into our new library. Our weekly visits have returned. Our library has an excellent story time and a pretty darn good children's department. Much better than I would have expected. Here is our book list for this week:

The Cow Loves Cookies by Karma Wilson
The Cow That Went Oink by Bernard Most
Click, Clack, Moo: Cows that Type by Doreen Cronin
Curious George Learns the Alphabet by H. A. Rey
When Pigasso Met Mootisse by Nina Laden
The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats

Our weekly theme is "cows" this week. The Curious George title was an impulse. I have been incorporating more alphabet books into our reading because Darling is obsessed with letters all of a sudden. You should see her pouring over Chicka, Chicka, Boom, Boom! We love Curious George and when I saw it sitting on the shelf, I snatched it up for them. The Snowy Day was also an impulse, since it snowed. The girls had a wonderful time listening to the snow crunch! crunch! crunch! under their feet, just like Peter.

Snow!

Ahhh, a new year! What is it about the start of a new year that makes me want to make resolutions? There's something about starting over which is very appealing. We've had something very big happen here, just nine days into the new year: SNOW!

Real, actual, soft, white, beautiful snow. This is something that rarely happens in our region. We do get some cold temperatures, but usually any winter precipitation comes our way in the form of ice, not snow. If we do get any snow flurries, almost always it's less than an inch and is completely melted within a day or so. This time, we got close to 6 inches! Woot! You can't imagine how excited my children are...or maybe you can! As soon as the first flurries started to fly, Darling had to rush outside to catch some one her tongue:

I definitely see snowmen in my future. I will have to take some  pictures to post. I love winter. We have a fire burning brightly in the grate almost every day.

The kids have brightly colored hats, scarves, and coats, so cute! Doodlebug and Pumpkin were certainly mesmerized by the snowfall:

It's going to be tough to get through our morning chores today, with snow calling our names! I'm sure all the neighborhood kids will be out. The funny thing about snow in a region that is not used to it, is that the whole area shuts down. There's a run on bread and milk at the grocery store, stores and schools close, and people tend to freak out even over an inch of snow. Did anyone else get any lovely white stuff?

Pumpkin's Blanket

I have learned to knit in the last couple of months, and I am addicted. It is so relaxing. And portable. I love how I can take it anywhere and start and stop easily-it isn't like sewing where it takes a lot of set-up. Just cast-on and you're on your way! And there aren't a gazillion tiny pins, thimbles, etc.. for my kids to prick fingers or choke on. This really fits my lifestyle right now. And while it does take concentration, I find it much less complicated that crochet. I can never keep up with how many extras you're supposed to chain for each stitch.

I decided to learn to knit right after Pumpkin was born. You see, my ex-husband and I separated before I knew I was pregnant with Pumpkin, and we officially divorced soon after he was born, so his arrival was not exactly under the best circumstances. However, Pumpkin is a shining joy in both my life, and his dad's life (he finally got that boy!) and we're both so glad that he came along. In fact, it probably sped up a lot of healing between us, because we had to keep dealing with each other and trying to get along in the months leading up to Pumpkin's birth. However, since his dad and I weren't together anymore, Pumpkin got short-changed in a few areas. Each of my girls, as well as my nephews and niece, all have a special hand-made blanket from my aunt, but she didn't make one for Pumpkin. And while I'm sure that she just didn't think about it (he is my third, after all, and she is certainly under no obligation to make a blanket for my child!), the reality is that my little Pumpkin is the only one without a special blanket, and as his mother, of course, I want to change that. I didn't want to bring it up, because I was afraid that someone would think that I was actually upset, and nothing could be further from the truth. All I want is for Pumpkin to have a blanket! I don't care who made it. So this left only one logical option: learn to knit and make it myself. I even bought Debbie Stoller's book, Stitch n' Bitch as as a testament to my sincerity to learn, but of course, I had just had  a baby, so that resolution quickly went on the back burner. That is, until I stumbled across the website for Spud and Chloe yarn, and the Spud Says! blog. I was completely inspired, and have fallen in love with Susan B. Anderson's warm and whimsical patterns and yarns. I bought two of her books, Itty Bitty Nursery and Itty Bitty Toys, joined Ravelry, and was off! I had to wait until after we moved and Pumpkin began sleeping through the night to really get going, but now I'm making great progress every day.

Pumpkin's blanket is based on the pattern, Patches from Itty-Bitty Nursery, with a few of my own modifications (can I ever do something without making changes? I doubt it).  There will hopefully be 32 patches (maybe 28 if I run out of time- I want to finish it before his birthday this month), and a cable-knit border. Each patch is done in simple garter stitch, and the designs are free-handed using a chain-and wrapping technique found in Itty-Bitty Nursery. There will be many more designs, all based on the theme of exploration, as well as more striped patches, and just a few solid ones. I've actually made several more patches, but I decided to omit most of the ones with the letters of his name from the picture for this blog. Still, it's coming together!

Perfection Infection and the Mess I Made of Things

This morning, I read this excellent post about the "perfection infection" that plagues our society. "Perfection" is a world view that does not, has not, and will not make anyone happy. No exceptions. Where my view differs from the rest of the world, is that our willingness to buy into this view stems from our own arrogance, and not from anyone else. Even a low self-esteem is fueled by a preoccupation with ones' self, and stems from arrogance.

I know how the world looks at me: like I washed up after I had so much promise. Everything comes easy to me, yet I've failed at everything I've ever tried. I'm twenty-six, divorced with three kids four and under. I never finished college. I live with my parents. I was going back to school, but I stopped that, too.  How pathetic. But you know what? It doesn't matter. If it were someone else, I'd be saying the same thing. But for the first time in my life, I've got it together and got my priorities in line.

The truth is, I married a man I never really loved because I thought he was safe. I was devastated by things that went on in my parents' marriage, and I thought, "He'll never do that to me. We'll have a good life together." I was dazzled by his potential. I was blinded by the desire to be married and plan a wedding and play homemaker. I made him up to be something he was not, and refused to acknowledge the doubts I had because he was going to "get me out of Arkansas." He had these big dreams, and I thought, "that's the kind of life I want." That's all I focused on instead of, you know, the way he treated me. I saw how smart and talented he was, but I ignored how he wasted it. I glossed over the fact that we didn't match up in our spiritual views. I discounted the fact that we grew up with two different views of marriage. I built him up into Prince Charming, and then was stupid enough to be shocked when the armor came off. Yes, I was that stupid girl. And then I wasn't strong enough to make it work. I wasn't strong enough to stick it out and just live with my mistakes. I loved his family, really more than I loved him, and I wanted to be a part of it because I so desperately craved that stability after it was broken in my own family. I have a deep confession to make: I knew by month two of our marriage that I had made a horrible mistake. But I was also so ashamed to be that girl who ran away after six weeks of marriage that I just kept pretending to love him. And then I was pregnant and I felt I had to stick it out for the baby. I thought, "I'm stuck now, so I might as well make the best of it and put my whole self into this marriage." So that's what I did. I failed him by not being honest with him from the start. I thought only about what a fool I would look if I broke up with him. I never thought about him, and how he thought he was marrying someone who was crazy about him. I never thought about how I was derailing his life, too. He deserved better than that. And then I was ready to step up and make it work, but he wasn't. And that's when he failed me. I was standing there, going, "Let's do this. We've got kids, we can make it work. We can still have a good life together." But he was off playing video games instead. And it got to the point where I just couldn't keep pretending anymore. I was crazy about my kids and being a mom. I thought, "This is what I'm on this earth to do. Everything else was just killing time until I got here." I begged him to jump in and experience it, too. I begged him to go the park with us. I got answers like, "I've already played with her today." "I just don't feel like going anywhere today" "Alright, but I don't want to be there more than 20 minutes." "Maybe next weekend." And what was he doing instead of being with his family? Playing video games. Watching movies. Surfing the internet. Oh, he was working, too, but he was off every weekend, and he didn't spend it with us, although we were home together. The point of this? We were both idiots. We both wrecked our marriage. My family needs to realize that I made horrible mistakes and it wasn't all his fault, and his family needs to know that he failed miserably as a husband. If I wanted to be treated better, then I should have married someone else. If he didn't want to treat me better, then he should have married someone who didn't expect to be treated better. We were both stupid. And now our kids have got to pay for it. That's the real tragedy. And that's why I'm living with my parents and pushing off school until they're older. Because they deserve to have a magical childhood, no matter how stupid their parents are. They deserve to have a mother who's there to see every magical moment, who bakes cookies with them and takes them to the zoo. They deserve a mother who can read them the same story ten times in a row because it's their favorite, who lets them finger paint, make a mess (as long as they clean it up!), and thinks that a tea party with Mr. Jumbo is the social event of the season. They deserve a mother who'll dress up in gossamer wings and a tutu and dance around the backyard singing while looking for fairies, even though the neighbors just shake their heads turn the other way. A mother who is an expert in the art of giant bubbles. Who'll dance around the living room with abandon even though she's a terrible dancer. They deserve a mother who can get along with their father, and move on no matter what happens. A mother who will shut her mouth no matter how much she wants to bust his balls (because she's not perfect, either). Who will welcome every visit from their dad, because they are his children, too, and she can't ever change that. They deserve a mother who will take on every tantrum and never let it slide because she's too tired or has to be at work. They deserve to have a mother who can out sit them at the dinner table until they eat their vegetables. Because it's for their own good.

I could never give them that if I were on my own. They would be in day care, one of fifty kids supervised by two workers who would rather be somewhere else. Bullied and ignored, or worse, they would be the bully because their mom is always too tired and overworked for them, and they are desperate for attention. And for what? For some superficial show of independence that is worthless in the grand scheme of things.

My parents understand that. They know that what my kids need more than anything else after what they have been through is their mother. And that's why they are taking care of us: not so I don't have to pay for my mistakes, but so my kids don't have to pay for my mistakes. We're blessed that they are in a position that they can do that. They are the real heroes here. They are better than I deserve.

I blew it. I know it. I pretty much have no chance at a loving marriage now- I have no illusions about that. I'm looking at being single for the rest of my life, and that's okay. I can still be happy. Because I made the mistakes, but God provided the answers. I am the luckiest woman in the world because I can advance the Plan of God without fear of persecution for what I believe. I have a comfortable life in a free country. I won't lie, there are times when I think it would be a relief to go back to school. To only be responsible for myself! There are days when I am so close to losing it I have to go scream into a pillow. Or worse, I do lose it a scream at my children. I'm always so ashamed of myself when that happens. It happens less and less because I'm stretching and growing, but I'm far from perfect. If I went back to school, got a degree, got a job, got my own place, maybe got married again, the world would look at me and say, "Finally, she's got it together!" But I would be remiss, because my orders are, "raise three children to the best of your ability."  Not "go out and do something for you and raise your kids in your spare time." It isn't about me anymore. It hasn't been since the strip first turned pink. And it doesn't matter if the world thinks I'm the biggest loser in the world. God gave me three children to raise, and I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. I'm going to give them everything I have, till there's nothing left of me but some water and a few minerals. And when that job is done and I get new orders, I'll give everything to those, too, until God takes me home. No one has to know what I'm doing: God knows. And that's enough.

Life: 7-17-10

You know you're a bit of a health-nut when your four-year-old comes to you and says, "Mommy, I need to take my fish oil."

How to Wash Fewer Dishes

My mom was complaining to me about how many dishes we wash. I said, "well that's an easy fix: get rid of half the dishes."

For some reason, she didn't appreciate that.

A Child's Garden

I have two cherry "Tumbling Tom" tomatoes (one red and one yellow) that I grew from seed planted in $3.00 Lowe's all-purpose buckets on my back patio. The stems are heavy with little green fruits, and my kids and I go to look at them every day, eager for them to ripen. We have little red strawberries ripening in a strawberry pot, and several blueberry bushes with their very first crop of blueberries. They are ripening three or four at a time, and we go pick them and eat them together. I have a poor, suffering raspberry bush which is still in its original container and has yet to be planted, but it is giving me fruits despite its neglect. My oldest daughter, R, picks the ripe raspberries before anyone else has a chance. I also have yet to bring a single sugar snap pea into the house, because she eats them straight off the vine. The other day, she said to me, "It's fun to pick our food when it's ready." At that moment, nothing could have delighted my heart more. I love gardening, and have secretly been hoping that my kids would take an interest in it, too. I never mention gardening because I know if they feel forced to like it, they'll end up hating it. Instead, I just try to let them approach me about it. They'll just be playing the yard, and I'll be digging or weeding, and they come to see what I'm up to, and before I know it, they are digging the holes for my squash seedlings and wanting to see how much the plants have grown over night.

I feel that gardening is the most wonderful hobby to share with children. It is full of important lessons. Not just about where their food really comes from, but also lessons about patience, consistency, and hard work. There is no such thing as instant gratification in gardening...it's all about work up front and delayed reward. Gardening also teaches lessons about planning and working towards a goal. But gardening is more, even than that. It is a subject that directly relates to learning in all areas: young children can learn directly about the weather and how it affects the earth, they can learn basic math by counting how many seedlings you've transplanted, or the number of days until the harvest. They can learn about ecosystems, bugs and birds, predators and prey. Older children can learn about germination, photosynthesis, plant reproduction, even genetics, all by toodling around in the garden. They can practice geometry by helping to build raised beds. Gardening even provides lessons for the right lobe of the brain! I recently read about an idea of a "nature notebook"....a little pad of paper on which children can draw pictures of flowers or bugs they've seen, write descriptions, then take them home and look them up. Even though my girls can't draw very well now, I think they would enjoy that.
Many of my gardening plans have not come to fruition this year, but I'm learning all the time, so hopefully next year will be a very productive one. But big or small, I'm just glad that I can share it with my children.

And speaking of children and gardens, check out A Child's Garden of Verses by Robert Louis Stevenson (you know, that guy who wrote Treasure Island). It's a collection of wonderful poems for children, usually with beautiful illustrations. I happen to love the illustrations by Tasha Tudor, but there are so many different versions that you can find something to suit any taste.

A Post at Last:

Ahhh, updates. There has been so much going on that I don't even know where to begin! I have been finding it hard to make time for updates (or computer time in general), but tonight my darling E decided to take a two-hour break from sleeping, and now mommy is awake even though he has peacefully returned to dreamland. First of all, a topic of interest to all parents that I've been trying to research: SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). While reading the book, The Truth About Children's Health, I read, for the first time, about the "toxic gas theory". Basically, chemicals in the flame retardents on baby mattresses (arsenic, phosphorous, and antimony) react with a fungus S. Brevicaulis that commonly grows in mattresses, and when brought to blood/body temperature creates what is essentially a toxic nerve gas (either phosphine, arsine, or stibine). This theory asserts that the reason the risk of SIDS essentially disappears after twelve months is because babies can usually stand by this age: the gas gives them a headache, they wake up, and stand up. This would also explain why the Back to Sleep Campaign was so successful in lowering SIDS death rates, but the death rate has now leveled off. It would also explain why they now say that using a fan in the room lowers the incidents of SIDS. It also explains why the risk of SIDS increases with each child (second children are more at risk than first children, third more at risk than second, etc..), because parents typically save and reuse the baby mattress, and the fungus is going to be more prevelant in an older mattress. But what I find to be the most compelling is this: in the early '90's, a chemist named T.J. Sprott advised the government of New Zealand that they begin recommending all infants sleep on mattresses wrapped in a food-grade polypropylene cover. New Zealand took the advise, and at the time of the writing of The Truth About Children's Health, of the more than 100,000 babies who slept on wrapped mattresses, not a single one died of SIDS (it has been estimated now that more than 200,000 babies have slept on wrapped mattresses...still no SIDS deaths). This was at a time when the SIDS death rate in New Zealand was just over 1 per 1,000 live births, so there should have been around 100 SIDS deaths. But there weren't. A British study found no link between baby mattresses and SIDS, but a German study confirmed the toxic gas theory. Go figure. I can't find how the studies were controlled, whether they were using used or new mattresses, etc, so I guess it comes down to who you think is smarter: Germans or Brtis. (just kidding!) It is important to note that babies have died from SIDS in their carseats, swings, while bedsharing on the parents' mattress, and on sofas....ALL of these things are treated with the same chemicals as baby mattresses, and all of them are subject to the growth of the same fungus. I can recall from my childhood stories of a babies who died mysteriously in their swings or carseats.
A note about vaccinations: it has been found that more than half of all SIDS babies had been recently vaccinated. While this doesn't conclude causation, it does provide a clue: vaccinations typically make babies run a fever, with a peak body temperature 24-48 hours after vaccination. An elevated body temperature would heat the mattress, cause the molecules to move faster, turn into gas, and rise at a higher rate, creating a larger dose of nerve gas. This peaks my interest about the link between autism and vaccinations as well. How many times have we heard a devastated parent report that their beautiful, healthy baby was vaccinated, went to sleep feverish, slept for hours, and when they woke up, the parent knew that "something was wrong"? While I am not convinced that vaccinations themselves cause autism, too many parents can trace their child's sudden altered behavior and delayed development back to the day of vaccination for there to not be some kind of correlation. I learned from reading Freakonomics that the truth is often right in front of us, and not always what it seems.
The last thing to talk about on this topic is the mattress cover that the New Zealand government now recommends. It is called the BabeSafe mattress cover, and yes, I bought one. It cost me $40, I bought it directly from New Zealand, and shipping was free. Here is the website through which I bought mine:
Eve's Best , and here is Eve's blog about SIDS preventions where you can learn more about the Toxic Gas Theory. I know, even after you read everything, you'll probably still have a little voice in the back of your mind that says, "is all this for real? Is someone just trying to make money off of parent's fear and others' unspeakable misfortune?" That little voice is still in my head, even as my little E sleep peacefully on his wrapped mattress. And the conclusion I have come to is this: maybe, but I don't care. I can't find anything illogical about the toxic gas theory. It just makes sense to me. I feel the cover IS a tad pricey, but once I received it, I can tell you that this is a very high quality cover: very thick and durable. Also, once it is on the mattress properly, it makes no noise when E rolls over on it, and I can't even tell it's on there. In fact, with the "under blanket" that is recommended you use with it (I use a 100% cotton bath towel), I think the mattress is now more comfortable for E. I can't find a reason not to use it. And if I have blown forty bucks, well, then I have. But I sleep better knowing E sleeps on a wrapped mattress, and sometimes the placebo is the best painkiller.
If you are wary that anything could combine to produce a deadly gas, I suggest that you Google what happens when you mix bleach and ammonia, two common household cleaning agents (do NOT attempt to mix them for any reason! I'll save you the trouble of actually Googling: it's deadly!)

I just want to add that T.J. Sprott stressed the importance of using only 100% cotton bedding...no synthetic fibers such as polyester.
Finally, I leave you with one website that I highly recommend you read. It puts this whole debate in a much clearer, more concise manner than I ever could:
Baby's Bedding: Is it Creating Toxic Nerve Gas?

Here's What's Cookin': March 21st-28th

I'm trying to get back into the habit of a weekly menu. I'd forgotten how much work it is! I think the key to being frugal with food is simply to eat your leftovers and not be wasteful. If you plan out what you are going to cook and then stick to it, you will probably end up saving money, even if you spend more on the ingredients, because you won't throw out wasted food. I used a menu last week and it worked out pretty well. Here is the menu for this week:

Monday
Breakfast: 
banana pancakes, stewed plum with walnuts, grapefruit
Lunch:
Out to eat (will be out for haircut)
Snack:
hummus with carrots, olives
Dinner:
Pita pockets with roasted red peppers and avocado, salad

Tuesday
Breakfast:
yogurt, clementines, blueberries, and almonds
Lunch:
 Out to eat (more appointments!)
Snack:
avocado salad with feta, olives, and lemon
Dinner:
chicken salad over greens

Wednesday 
Breakfast:
steel-cut oatmeal with raisins, grapefruit, grapes
Lunch:
Chinese rice with peas, eggplant, and mushrooms; roasted carrots
Snack:
roasted eggplant and red pepper spread; pita crisps
Dinner:
Homemade pizza, salad

Thursday
Breakfast:
scrambled eggs, English muffin, grits, strawberries
Lunch:
Bell peppers stuffed with Chinese rice, salad
Snack:
hummus and pita crisps
Dinner:
leftovers

Friday
Breakfast:
yogurt with granola, frozen berries, grapefruit
Lunch:
veggie fajitas of zucchini, squash, mushrooms, and onions; guacamole
Snack:
cottage cheese and grapes
Dinner:
black beans, veggies, seasoned rice

Saturday
Breakfast
oatmeal with walnuts and dates   
bacon
banana
Lunch
creamy chicken and vegetable soup, salad, French Bread
Snack:
yogurt
apples
Dinner:
leftovers

Sunday
Breakfast:
fried eggs, biscuits and jelly, grapefruit
Lunch:
If you can find it, you can eat it!
Snack:
olives and cheese
Dinner:
cottage cheese and fruit 

As you can see, I try to do the largest meal at lunchtime. It is healthier to eat a large lunch and light supper: you burn more calories that way! It is much better to not consume your largest meal before you go to sleep!

Learning the Hard Way

This afternoon, I walked into the kitchen to find my 3 1/2 year old and my 2 year old on the kitchen floor with bowls of granola, which the eldest had taken upon herself to pour. Needless to say, there was granola all over the floor. I proceeded to show them where the small hand-broom and dust pan were, then I showed them how to sweep properly so that the granola actually goes into the bin instead of just spreading it around and creating a bigger mess, how to dump the contents of said dust pan into the trash, and how to return the hand-broom and dust pan to its proper place. Here are my my thoughts on this event:
Amount of time it took to teach one pre-schooler and one toddler how to clean up after themselves: 45 minutes.
Amount of time (approx.) it would have taken for me to just clean it up myself: 3 minutes
Amount of time (approx.) I would spend in my lifetime cleaning up after them if I never taught them how to do it themselves: 10 years
Lifetime value of the lesson learned: priceless

Cloth Diaper Update!

I am totally in love with cloth diapering. Is that silly? Perhaps, but I'm shamefully silly about nearly everything I do, so nothing new there. I've gotten my youngest daughter back into cloth, and I absolutely love it. In fact, since I've gotten my routine down, I'm finding that the whole, "disposable are so convenient" line to be total hogwash for my situation. For me, they are no more convenient than cloth. In fact, I find them to be less convenient. (Ironically, that was my same conclusion for formula vs. breastmilk: who EVER said that constantly washing, sterilizing, and measuring bottles was convenient when you can just whip out your boob and have the perfect meal at the perfect temp with no clean-up? And need I mention that it's FREE? okay, rant over). Constantly dealing with the smell, hauling out the trash, going to the diaper box to discover that I am COMPLETELY out of diapers and need to run to the store for more, my daughters inevitably outgrowing a size when I have just purchased a $45 bulk box and I have tons leftover....None of those things spell convenience for me. Of course, they are preventable with extra planning. But any inconvenience with cloth is preventable with extra planning, too. Here's what I've learned to streamline my current cloth-diaper routine:


Get a diaper pail liner: If your washing machine has an agitator, you can just dump the whole bag into the wash and the diapers will agitate out of the bag during the cycle. Since I have a front-loader, I just turn the bag inside out in the washer and wash the bag with the diapers. No more sticking my hands in a dirty-diaper pail! Genius!

For cloth wipes, get a regular wipe-warmer and fill it with your pre-soaked cloth wipes. That way they are already damp and warm and ready to use. I cannot tell you how much of my life I wasted at the sink with the baby in a dirty diaper on my hip, waiting for the tap water to warm up so I could get the wipe wet.  I didn't hear this tip soon enough! I had heard of the 'spray bottle at the changing table' idea, but that didn't solve my dilemma of wanting the wipes to be warm (I certainly don't want my bottom wiped with a cold rag!).  The wipe-warmer has been the perfect solution!

Make sure the diaper pail gets some airflow. If it is sealed airtight, it will smell. I always sealed it before because I thought that would keep it from smelling, but the opposite turned out to be true! I just set the lid on top of the pail without sealing it, and there is no smell. I don't mean it doesn't smell much, I mean there is no smell. My experience is that disposables in the diaper genie are far more offensive to the nose. While my diapers are washing, I do a quick rinse of the diaper pail with water and vinegar, then put in a fresh liner (I have two).  It takes me about five minutes to start the diapers in the wash, rinse the diaper pail, and put in the fresh liner-- about the same time that it takes me to take the garbage out.

Be willing to experiment. This was the advice that I got from Green Mountain Diapers, and it is just about the best advice I've ever heard. There are SO many different ways to cloth diaper, and so much of it is subjective, based on your own taste and your own, unique child. Really, it is over-whelming. When I first started, I was convinced that it would be easier with expensive diaper covers. Now that I bought three to try, I found that the cheap Dappi Nylon Covers were easier for me and fit my daughter better. It took a lot of experimentation, too, to find the routine that worked for me and my daughter. Here's what we have so far:

I have two diaper pails: one for poopy diapers and wipes next to the toilet in the bathroom, and one next to the changing table in my daughter's room for wet diapers and covers that do not need to be rinsed. Since not every diaper needs to be rinsed, I don't have to walk to the bathroom at EVERY diaper change like I did for two years.  Every night, I pick up the diaper pail as I leave my daughter's room and immediately throw everything from both pails in the wash. I rinse the pails and change the liners. It takes me five minutes.  At some point before I go to bed, I hang everything up to air-dry over night. This takes about 5 minutes. When I wake up in the morning, I toss the diapers only (not wipes or covers) into the dryer for 15 minutes to get soft. It takes me two minutes. Then I put everything away whenever I put away the other laundry.

Maybe that does take me a few more minutes total (I believe I'm at 12 minutes of my actually time being used) than it takes to take the trash outside and put a new plastic bag in the trash can or diaper genie, but it's not nearly as big a difference as disposable diaper companies would have me believe. You also have to rinse out diaper genies occasionally to keep them from getting nasty. You are also supposed to take disposables to the bathroom and dump the poop into the toilet before throwing it away. Let's face it: diapering children is not convenient no matter which method you use. And for me personally and my situation, what little difference in convenience there is, it is not enough to convince me that it is worth the astronomical price tag, or exposure to harmful chemicals.

Late-Summer Baking

I don't really bake, and I'm not sure why. I love baked goods. But maybe it is because once the delicious goodies are made, I feel compelled to eat them. I feel that I cannot waste even a single one, and so I hear an evil little voice in my head whispering, "Go on! Just one more!" and I wilt.  And let's face it: even when home-made, baked goods are little more than empty calories. Delicious, empty calories. So normally, I abstain from the temptation as much as I can, but yesterday I couldn't resist getting my girls in the kitchen and making some sugar cookies. Two sugars making sugar cookies: how could it go wrong? Well, it couldn't, and it didn't, and our cookies were magnificent. I wish you could have seen my littlest one's face when she poured scoops of flour into the mixing bowl. You would have thought  we were making something magical. Their squeals of delight brought a surge of joy to my soul. Yes, this is what life is truly about, and I've decided in my Heaven, my children and I will bake cookies together every day, only there won't be any calories or sugar highs. Oh, and we'll actually take naps. Yes. Naps and cookie baking. That MUST be Heaven.

The girls poured all the ingredients in the mixer for me, then I rolled them out and they picked the cookie cutters and cut them out. I must say, it was a learning process for me. I consider myself to be pretty easy going (as far as women go. Let's face it, what woman is TRULY easy going? I can't think of one), but I found myself having to relax when they pulled at the dough and tore the shapes, causing me to have to re-roll them and cut everything out again. I mean, we weren't baking for anyone but ourselves, and it was just for fun, so I don't know why I got uptight about it at first. But after a good reality check, I was able to calm down and remember that this was their time and their project, and we needed to do it at their pace. It's amazing where we pick up these little kernels of realization. What did it matter if we ended up adding extra sugar, or if the flour went everywhere? I feel it would be totally unrealistic to expect two toddlers to not make a mess in the kitchen! But what a rich experience it was! There were so many learning opportunities, and the girls were ripe with excitement. It is definitely something we will do again!