3 A.M. Musings

As I lie awake drinking some Airborne and wait for my latest round of 2,000 mg of vitamin C to go down, I can't help but think things over. Maybe it is all the hormones that make me pensive. I make an effort to take more of a "let go and move on" approach, but sometimes we can think over events and acknowledge things for what they actually were without dwelling. Perhaps true healing has occurred when you can think on things with no attached emotional response. If that is the case, then I've still got a ways to go, but I can tell that things don't smart like they used to.

When it comes to my divorce, most people assume that I must be devastated (after all, how can a woman possibly be happy without a man to validate her existence?).  There is an unspoken assumption that permeates our society that even a bad marriage is better than no marriage at all. That it is better to have anybody than to have nobody. I can tell you from experience now, that this idea is wrong. Of course, there are many reasons to both end or stay in a marriage, and each situation is unique. But what I can tell you, is that it is better to be single than to be married to the wrong person. I can look back now and acknowledge that I never should have married him in the first place, that it was never right from day one. But that doesn't mean that I regret it, and it doesn't erase that there were good times that I can look back on. My wedding day is still a happy memory. If I had to do it all over again, I would have to make the same decisions because that is how I got my children. And I can look back now and say, "I didn't take an easy road; I didn't take the "right" road, but God in His grace has still blessed me tremendously, and so I am very grateful." Now, don't get me wrong: I have made mistakes and there are certain consequences that I have to pay. And it hurts to say, "yep, that's me! that was a mistake and I willingly made it! No one else is responsible but me!" but that is the only way that I can move on.

Many people also assume that I filed for divorce because I wasn't happy. Happiness, my friends, can only be found between your ears. And unfortunately, we take our mental attitude with us wherever we go. If I were not happy married, no way could I be happy single (and vice versa!). Happiness was never the issue. And while my reasons are between God and me and no one else, all I can tell you is that I could not bring myself to stay married simply to avoid the stigma of divorce. People also assume that just because a marriage lasts, it is successful, but that is far from the truth. And people assume that marriages can be made to "work" through compromise, but that is also a lie. Marriage is not about compromise: when you live your life and treat your spouse as God commands you to, compromise is unnecessary. "Compromise" is a term cooked up so that we do not have to acknowledge when we are out of line and don't want to do the right thing. Marriage, when you break it down, is not about finding the right man or woman for you, it is about being the right man or woman every day. It is about living with honor, honesty, and integrity, and loving your spouse more than you love you own body. "Compromise" is a sham, because you are not responsible for how they treat you: you are only responsible for how you treat them. I am now of the opinion that if you do not treat your spouse better than yourself, you are a failure.

So what do you do when you are married to someone who is enamored with the term "compromise" and who would rather live justifying their actions by the failure of others rather than live as God commands them? Well, there are exactly two options, neither one is good, both are riddled with consequences. I think you can guess which option I chose.

But as I prepare to go back to bed, all I can say is that nothing in my life turned out as I imagined it, but every day that I get to wake up and be mommy to the three most precious children ever born, I am truly happy. Every day I wake up and am dizzy with wonder at the Grace of God, that He would entrust their souls to someone who has failed as much as I have. For it is for their eternal lives that I wake up and go to work every day. I have only one purpose in life, and that is to ensure that they come to love the Lord.

Divorce is horrible and devastating, but God is good, and He has proven to me again and again that He can turn all things to good for those that love Him.