The Transfer of Responsibility

The issue of household chores has come up in our household recently. My oldest is not quite 3 1/2 and my little one is not quite 2 years old, but I feel that they are more than capable of taking on a little bit of responsibility. This is a concept that I had only thought vaguely about, but after reading Dr. James Dobson's excellent book, Hide or Seek on building self-esteem, the idea of a transfer or responsibility is something that I've been a lot of thought into. 

The idea of household chores is not new. I always felt that my kids would have to help out around the house. My brothers and I all had chores and responsibilities growing up, and I always thought that it was important, but didn't think much about why is was important. However, after giving it a lot more thought, I've come to have the opinion that not only is this transfer of responsibility vital for a child's self-esteem, but to not begin this transfer is detrimental to both you and your child. The ultimate goal of parenting is to raise a thoughtful, capable, successful, and happy person who is adaptable and well-adjusted. This is every parent's dream. Dr. Dobson puts it this way: when a baby is born, they have zero responsibility and are totally dependent upon the parents. The idea is to gradually turn responsibility over to them as they grow, so that when they reach young-adulthood, say around 20-21, they are 100% responsible. This transfer of responsibility, Dobson argues, cannot be avoided for years and then suddenly dumped upon the child when they are teenagers. It is something that has to be done by degrees, and it must be started early. I agree. If for all of a child's life you have forced them to depend on you for everything, then not only will they not be able to handle responsibility when you finally do turn it over, but they will not be able to appreciate what it means.  I feel that this is what leads to spoiled child. My opinion is that you do not spoil a child by giving them things, and you cannot spoil a child by loving them too much. You spoil a child when you never make them do anything, and allow them to take without ever appreciating. I feel that the lack of a grateful heart goes hand-in-hand with a lack of empathy. And a lack of empathy is one of the defining characteristics among criminals. Hhhmmmm.

I always try to get the girls involved in household chores, such as laundry and cooking and picking up toys, because I feel that they will never appreciate that those things have to be done if they aren't participating in the process. If I wait until they go to sleep, just so it will be easier on me, and then the girls wake up and their clothes are "magically" washed and their toys "magically" put away, they will never appreciate that I did it for them. They will learn nothing but how to take it for granted that I will just do it for them. So they've always helped me pick out produce and put clothes in the dryer, but it was still always just at my convenience. Now I feel that they are old enough to understand that you can't play until you work, and so I'm trying to make sure that we do all our chores in the morning before playtime. And no playtime until chores are done. They have to carry their dirty dishes to the sink, put their dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, put away their toys, and help me make their beds. More chores will be added as they get older, but that's it so far. Not too terrible, huh? What I found surprising at first is how much they seem to enjoy helping me. In fact, they now want to help me do all kinds of chores, and I do let them help out when it's safe (it's just not safe for them to help wash dishes right now!), but I shouldn't be surprised: children always want to do whatever they see their parents do. Which is why parenting is pushing me so hard to be more organized and on top of things. The best way to teach is by example.